Practical Ways To Really Support A Grieving Friend
PRACTICAL WAYS TO REALLY SUPPORT A GRIEVING FRIEND
When a friend loses someone, our default reaction is often to freeze. We send a WhatsApp message saying “Pole sana, let me know if you need anything,” and then we wait.
But here is the truth: They will never let you know. Grief is exhausting. It fogs the brain. They don’t know what they need, and even if they did, they probably wouldn’t have the energy to ask.
If you want to move beyond the generic “Pole” and actually lighten their load, you need to be proactive. Here are practical, culturally relevant ways to show up for a friend in Kenya.
1. Don’t Ask “Have You Eaten?” Just Bring the Food
In Kenya, a death in the family means an open door. Neighbours, church members, and relatives will flood the house for the Matanga. Your friend isn’t just grieving; they are suddenly hosting 20+ people a day.
Instead of asking if they need food, assume they do. Drop off a crate of milk, two loaves of bread, or a bag of sugar for the tea that is constantly brewing. Even better, bring a cooked meal; a thermos of hot tea or a sufuria of Pilau, so they can take a break from the kitchen for just one night.
2. Send “Personal” M-PESA (Not Just the Contribution)
We all know the drill: join the WhatsApp group, check the Treasurer’s Paybill, and send the funeral contribution. That money is vital for the coffin and hearse, but it doesn’t help your friend right now.
Your friend still needs to buy airtime to call relatives, fuel for the car to run errands, or pay for a quick Uber. Consider sending a small, separate M-PESA directly to their personal number with a note: “This is for you, for airtime or lunch. Not for the committee.” It gives them immediate breathing room.
3. Be the Gatekeeper, Not Just a Visitor
During the Matanga, the bereaved are often forced to retell the story of the death fifty times a day to every new visitor. It is exhausting and retraumatizing.
Step in and be the buffer. Offer to sit with the guests and answer their questions so your friend can rest. While you are there, look for the invisible chores. If the sink is full of dishes, wash them. If the floor needs sweeping, grab the broom. You don’t need permission to be helpful.
4. Offer a Specific Skill for the “Admin” Work
Kenyan funerals involve a mountain of paperwork: burial permits, newspaper ads, eulogy typing, and programme printing.
Instead of a vague “let me know if I can help,” offer a specific solution based on what you are good at.
- “I have a printer at work. Send me the eulogy draft, and I’ll print the copies for the elders.”
- “I can go to City Hall to queue for the permit so you don’t have to.”
- “I can help you create the online memorial page so you can share the funeral details easily on WhatsApp.”
5. Check In After the Burial
This is perhaps the most critical step. The hardest part of grief isn’t always the funeral itself; it’s the silence that follows. When the relatives return to the village and the guests stop coming, the loneliness sets in.
Set a reminder in your phone for two weeks and one month after the funeral. Call them then. Invite them for coffee. You don’t even have to talk about the death; just being there proves that you haven’t moved on just because the rest of the world has.
Closing
You don’t need to be a therapist to be a good friend. You just need to be present. Don’t wait for permission to be kind. Show up with the milk, send the airtime, and wash the dishes. That is what “Pole Sana” really looks like in action.
